Posted by smileonsmilodon on October 13th, 2009
tags: babies, birthing, boobs, children, hemophiliac, medicine
1 Comment »
Nurse Smilodon here – weighing in on the BIG Nine sitch. In the shadow of Octomom – who Dylan, my nine year-old, was sad to hear had eight babies and exactly zero tentacles. Hahaha Dylan is such a smart aleck. – he had this idea about Noctomom’s nine babies as a baseball team! Hahah oh that kid. He loves his baseball… and little Chloe’s bruises are healing nicely (thanks for asking Denise!)
Of course even baby birthing just has to be competition – let me tell you something Noctomom – having that many babies is just wrong. I don’t know how many nipples you have… but – unless this is Total Recall – it’s gonna be around two. How can you feed nine children the natural way? You can’t darling – you just can’t. Boobs just don’t grow that way – and you cannot get boobs with food stamps… oops. Did I say that? I said it. It’s on. Who you gonna call? – yer army of nine hemophiliac dwarves? Dylan and Chloe will beat their tiny easily bruised behinds in a ninja fight – if it comes to that – and I almost hope it does.
Already people are lining up to interview this fertile freak – listen – anyone can have kids – but who is going to take care of them while you are at work or out at the club picking up more sperm for your baster? Nocto-grandma? Now that’s just disgusting.
Posted by admin on October 13th, 2009
tags: doctor, entertainment, health care, insurance, mannequin, medicine, nurse, patient, safety, satire, simulation, training
2 Comments »
Posted by asystole on September 15th, 2009
tags: clean, doctor, Face Transplant, magic, mannequin, medicine, patient, satire, surgeon, transplant
1 Comment »
Done.
I feel good about it. Actually, exhausted. But my hands are clean. Hands clean, garments clean, I presented a sterile environment, and my hands were as good as they’ve ever been.
Ms. Wheeze should be a happy woman. Her face will be as good as natural healing allows.
Staying clean is key. Did I say that already?
What I remember from the procedure:
-Ms. Wheeze had a strange smell coming from her abdomen, which I ignored and let the other assistants handle
-Ms. Wheeze’s face. Her previous face. I would kiss it. So was she unattractive? Am I being unprofessional? I’m just calling it like it is. No, I probably wouldn’t marry her. But I’m a wolf anyway.
-I was thinking of a new way to palm an English Penny for a transposing coin routine using a Scotch and Soda set and an expanded half shell. I’m good at the classic palm, but back-palming is impossible. I could, however, do a little pinky clip of the coin and tilt my hand.
-I thought to myself, once again, how strange it is that I’ve never been in surgery before as a patient. I’ve often reflected on this, but I wondered, during Ms. Wheeze’s procedure, if I should do something to myself requiring surgery, just so I can experience it once from the other side.
She’s recovering nicely.
Posted by smileonsmilodon on September 1st, 2009
tags: medicine, nurse, patient
1 Comment »
Nurse Smilodon, with a wake up call people!
I say no. Beauty is all around. In trees and in souls. Airbrushed magazine mannequins have ruled our lives long enough. As a full-figured woman on Match.com – I know how hard it is to feel good about yourself – but dangerous surgery (no matter how advanced the technologies are becoming) is never the answer. You have been placed on this earth with your face and glasses and maybe a large gap between your teeth and some small acne scarring. But it is the real you and people whould love you for your insides. Maybe not for your more disgusting insides, lower intestines, but your inner beauty.
Maybe you have some issue with bad breath and have a prescription mouthwash that tastes like ammonia. Maybe in high school they called you Four-eyes or Pizza-face or Godzilla breath or Diarrhea (even though your name was Diana) or Stink-face or “Kill it!” or “Oh my god it’s coming toward us”. Maybe you had to go to the prom with a friend of the family. Eeew.
The point is no surgery – stomach stapling and full facial alteration – is never a good idea – even if you think that perhaps your parents would love you more if you came back with a new face and pretended to be a stranger and then they thought you were just a boarder and they let you have their daughter’s old room… because… well she disappeared… and there you would be.. new face – no one calls you Diarrhea anymore. Even then I don’t think it would be worth it. I mean, until they are really good with the surgery.
