Nonplussed by Nonuplets!
Procedure Finished
Done.
I feel good about it. Actually, exhausted. But my hands are clean. Hands clean, garments clean, I presented a sterile environment, and my hands were as good as they’ve ever been.
Ms. Wheeze should be a happy woman. Her face will be as good as natural healing allows.
Staying clean is key. Did I say that already?
What I remember from the procedure:
-Ms. Wheeze had a strange smell coming from her abdomen, which I ignored and let the other assistants handle
-Ms. Wheeze’s face. Her previous face. I would kiss it. So was she unattractive? Am I being unprofessional? I’m just calling it like it is. No, I probably wouldn’t marry her. But I’m a wolf anyway.
-I was thinking of a new way to palm an English Penny for a transposing coin routine using a Scotch and Soda set and an expanded half shell. I’m good at the classic palm, but back-palming is impossible. I could, however, do a little pinky clip of the coin and tilt my hand.
-I thought to myself, once again, how strange it is that I’ve never been in surgery before as a patient. I’ve often reflected on this, but I wondered, during Ms. Wheeze’s procedure, if I should do something to myself requiring surgery, just so I can experience it once from the other side.
She’s recovering nicely.
Is the Ugly Life worth living?
As an orderly, I supply the muscle needed to keep a hospital going (you think these eggheads could move an MRI on their own?). I am justly proud of my body, as anyone who’s seen me on break knows: when the Feld’s not on duty, the Feld’s shirt isn’t on either. Someone once said, “Hey Feld, what’ll you do when you start to lose that six-pack?” I said, “Hey jerky, it’s an EIGHT-pack!”
Give credit where credit’s due. Then I gave that query some thought, and now I know the answer: kill myself.
I support Ms. Wheeze’s decision 1000 percent. She’s not only a Mannequin, but an inspiration to all us people who know it’s better to be a pretty corpse than an ugly live person (pretty live person is ideal, but sometimes we have tough choices).
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